Wednesday Wisdom (even though it's officially Thursday)

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering—because you can't take it all in at once."

~ Audrey Hepburn

photo source

Double Trouble...

My best friend Sarah and I are obsessed with this song by Jack and White. The entire album is amazing. Check it out!

random happy thoughts...

After my last rather depressing post about all the emotions I've been feeling lately I thought a more upbeat, lighthearted post was in order. So here are some of the little, inconsequential things that make me happy.

I love it when people re-pin my pins on Pinterest. It makes me feel really special. Silly, I know.

I can't wait for the new episodes of New Girl and Hart of Dixie. I hate having to wait for more than a week. Thank heavens Grey's Anatomy is finally back after almost two months!

I hate washing my hands (don't worry, I still do it even thought I hate it) but Bath & Body Works soap makes the experience so much better. It's worth every penny.

I love awards season...dresses, dresses, and more dresses.

Harper loves to curl up in the crook of my arm when we go to sleep. So precious.

too many emotions at once...

angry. sad. confused. shamed. lonely. lost. hopeless. afraid. inadequate. basket case. proud. desperate. bitter. I'm all of the above. we all are at some point. sometimes too many emotions hit at once. left to our own devices. we try to cope.

angry: depression wakes me every morning. who will win the tug of war today? I don't know why I think it will ever be different. why I still get angry that it's a trial I face. being angry won't make it go away. it's not acceptable to be mentally ill. not when one day I'm fine and the next day I can't get out of bed. it kills me to send an email to say I won't be in to work. hitting accept on my phone feels like climbing a mountain.

lonely: I remove myself from environments I know. places that are safe and comfortable. then I wonder if they were ever any of those things. I always reach for something more. a something I'm not even sure I know exists. when I get to the new place I've brought myself to I flounder. get lost and buried in my inadequacies.

hopeless: I get caught up in my own tragedy. convinced I'll never get to be happy. that for me that state will never really exist. maybe it's a state no one really knows. but I know that's not true. it just feels so far away from anything I'll ever experience. I have a good life. good parents. family and good friends who love me. is anything ever enough for me?

proud: I need help. I don't ask for it. superwoman complex. no good results. put myself up against the impossible. I make my own prison. constantly accuse myself of crimes like weakness and inadequacy. everything is my fault. undeserving. surrender is wiser but I keep putting up a pathetic fight. doesn't resemble a fight at all.

bitter: fuzzy end of the lollipop. too invested means more hurt. normal is foreign. unreachable. can't get over something that probably wasn't even there to begin with. a figment of my sorted mind. delusion. reality hurts. no one has it easy but where is my break. will my life ever work itself out? I cling to the vistas. how long until the next one?

lost: passion evades me. it is unkind. misery besets me and I am gone. back in a place where progress is futile. can't answer questions everyone asks. caught up in who I was trying to figure out who I am now. keep trying to start over. to find a place to be an adult. do more than bide my time.