Tuesday, January 10, 2012

too many emotions at once...

angry. sad. confused. shamed. lonely. lost. hopeless. afraid. inadequate. basket case. proud. desperate. bitter. I'm all of the above. we all are at some point. sometimes too many emotions hit at once. left to our own devices. we try to cope.

angry: depression wakes me every morning. who will win the tug of war today? I don't know why I think it will ever be different. why I still get angry that it's a trial I face. being angry won't make it go away. it's not acceptable to be mentally ill. not when one day I'm fine and the next day I can't get out of bed. it kills me to send an email to say I won't be in to work. hitting accept on my phone feels like climbing a mountain.

lonely: I remove myself from environments I know. places that are safe and comfortable. then I wonder if they were ever any of those things. I always reach for something more. a something I'm not even sure I know exists. when I get to the new place I've brought myself to I flounder. get lost and buried in my inadequacies.

hopeless: I get caught up in my own tragedy. convinced I'll never get to be happy. that for me that state will never really exist. maybe it's a state no one really knows. but I know that's not true. it just feels so far away from anything I'll ever experience. I have a good life. good parents. family and good friends who love me. is anything ever enough for me?

proud: I need help. I don't ask for it. superwoman complex. no good results. put myself up against the impossible. I make my own prison. constantly accuse myself of crimes like weakness and inadequacy. everything is my fault. undeserving. surrender is wiser but I keep putting up a pathetic fight. doesn't resemble a fight at all.

bitter: fuzzy end of the lollipop. too invested means more hurt. normal is foreign. unreachable. can't get over something that probably wasn't even there to begin with. a figment of my sorted mind. delusion. reality hurts. no one has it easy but where is my break. will my life ever work itself out? I cling to the vistas. how long until the next one?

lost: passion evades me. it is unkind. misery besets me and I am gone. back in a place where progress is futile. can't answer questions everyone asks. caught up in who I was trying to figure out who I am now. keep trying to start over. to find a place to be an adult. do more than bide my time.


  1. Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I wish I was there along with Miss Harmony and I would hug you both and kiss you and tell you how amazing you are and then smack you around a bit, then hug you some more. Survival Mode, been there, bought the shirt. I don't really understand what you are going thru, but hope you know I'll be praying for you.

  2. Somehow I get those emotions you posted. <3 Things will get better. Just keep writing and feeling and putting one foot in front of the other. Things will get better. Celebrate the little victories and don't think too long or too hard about the mountains you see ahead. Just Trust.... one step... one step... one step! Love you Clarissa xoxox Auntie PS- I love what Mimaw said above. Let the love from all of us who love you settle around your heart! xoxoxo