Monday, February 17, 2014

don't want to talk about me

Do you ever feel like you need a break from yourself? Like if it were possible to tell yourself to take a flying leap, you would? I need some space in my relationship with myself. I get tired of facing the same problems and making the same mistakes over and over. I don't want to respond when asked the question "How are you doing?" or "How have things been?" because I don't even like my own answer. Blah, blah, blah. Same old story. You haven't figured this out yet? Come on, girlfriend!

Winter and grad school are getting to me. I'm ready to put Harper in her Sherpa, get on a plane bound for someplace warm, and not leave a forwarding address. Sorry family, looks like there won't be any graduation for you to come to in a few months. I know this is just the crazy talking. I'm not really going to quite grad school with only one class to go but boy it's tempting. I've got to dig my heels in and hang in there just a little bit longer. June 15th will come and I'll get my damn diploma.

Between #chiberia and #thundersnow, I'm convinced my toes will never see the light of day again nor will I have the need for a real pedicure. Grass--what does that look like? I feel like I live in the movie Frozen, but I have no sweet snowman named Olaf to sing to me and remind me of sunshine.

Spring and graduation please come quickly! This girl can't hold on much longer.

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Monday, February 3, 2014

the odds of being alone

"Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone? I need answers now cause I am caught off guard. The quiet feels so loud. Tell me this is the hardest part."
- The Odds of Being Alone by Trent Dabbs ft. Amy Stroup

This past week, I've been unable to shake the nagging fear that I might end up alone. Sure it's a thought that occupies my consciousness periodically, but lately it's been at the forefront of my mind. Given some more recent happenings and revelations in my life, I believe this feeling is only natural. I know it will pass and hope will takes its place as it usually does. But right now the fear is very real.

It's not so much that I'm consumed by loneliness, but rather I'm acutely aware that the majority of my time is spent alone. I've grown accustomed to occupying the role of the single girl in almost all of my peer groups straight down to my family. It's not a bad role to fill, but like anything else, it comes with its own challenges. Sometimes being the one who's in a different place gets old. Being strong feels overrated. There's a light at the end of the tunnel I'm sure, it's just further away and a different hue than I always assumed.

It's baffling how one piece of information linked to a long unanswered question can completely transform your reality. How that knowledge can destroy hope you didn't fully realize you were harboring. Everything really can change in a instance. Suddenly, you can stop putting pressure on the wound. There isn't any blood left to bleed. Whether you like it or not, you're free. But freedom is a two-edged sword. Suddenly the lines you've drawn are crossed and life is altered forever. You'll live through it--of that you're sure--but for now, it takes a lot to live.

I know the fear won't last forever. My odds of being alone are slim. So I'll wage the war and fight to reclaim the hope I know is near.

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Saturday, February 1, 2014

whatever side you're on, see another side

Friday night I watched the Mitt Romney documentary on Netflix. It is an intimate, realistic look at the rigors of running for president and the real Mitt Romney. The tag line says it all: "Whatever side you're on, see another side." Everyone--regardless of your political preference--should watch this documentary to gain a better understanding of what it takes to run for president.

I've studied politics in grad school, particularly the complex relationship between the press and the presidency. So much of an election, and then being the president, is an exercise in the performance art. To be a successful president, you have to be friends with the press. Often they control your message more than you. The 24/7 news cycle only complicates things.

Running for president is anything but glamorous. You see this firsthand in the documentary. It's a lot of hotels, fast food, and hours sitting on a bus or plane. You're never home and your time is never your own. Every person in your family is affected by the rigors of the process. No one is untouched. Josh Romney articulated the experience well when he said this in the documentary:

“They talk and they say, why can’t we get someone good to run for president? And this is why. This is why you don’t get good people running for president. What better guy is there than my dad? Is he perfect? I mean, absolutely not. He’s made mistakes. He’s done all sorts of things wrong. But for goodness sakes, here’s a brilliant guy whose experience is turning things around, which is what we need in this country. This is the guy for the moment. And we’re in this, and you just get beat up constantly. ‘Oh Mitt Romney’s a flip-flopper. He’s this. He’s that.’ You just kinda go, man, is this worth it? This is awful.”
- Josh Romney

I do not think President Obama is a bad person or horrible president. However, I do believe Mitt Romney is the better man and would have been a greater, more effective president. Unfortunately, the better candidate doesn't always win.

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