Friday, October 11, 2013

diet coke insomnia

I really should be sleeping but I have a lot on my mind and I think I drank a little too much diet coke close to bedtime.

Do you ever just feel like a total fraud? Like you're not even good at liking the things you like? Take reading for example. I love to read---books, magazines, newspapers etc. I'm a journalism grad student who doesn't read enough. I get the Wall Street Journal but admit I don't always make it past the headlines and front page. Time magazine comes in my mailbox every week but I don't always get around to reading it. I haven't read a novel in months.

Reading is just one, albeit very small, area I'm feeling inadequate in right now. Bigger ticket items include working out, eating healthy, my spirituality, and managing my finances. The list goes on.

My favorite journalism professor keeps encouraging and urging me to get my pieces published. What good is my work if no one ever sees it? You need clips to have credibility. Working full-time pulls my attention away from being a grad student. Combine that with the fact that my career goals don't necessarily match my journalism studies and the struggle to put forth the extra effort to get my pieces out there increases.

Time is such a precious commodity and yet it is so easy to waste. It's so much easier to consume episode upon episode of Friends in the background and pin things on Pinterest. Those activities require small ounces of engagement in the big picture. The big picture can be a lot to choke down every day.

So how do you balance goals, leisure time, and responsibilities? I don't think there is a solid answer but rather approaches and methods to try out. There are definitely times when I'm better at managing life than others.

Maybe the curse of living during this time is the constant competition for our attention. I keep thinking if I just had one day where I could get organized and find my center then I could change my everyday less than desirable habits. I think I may be wishing for a "day" that doesn't exist. Tomorrow always comes whether I'm ready or not.

Right now I just feel tired and inadequate. Where's the flipping reset button? It's a really, really good thing my mom is coming to visit in a few weeks because I need a hug. Like right now.

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