satisfying moments

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Today I had one of those rare, satisfying moments where I felt on top of the world. Like I could conquer my demons and accomplish my goals. That maybe I could have it all.

It's week two in my new job so I'm still in major adjustment mode. There's a lot to learn and grasp, but so far so good. This new role affords me a kind of freedom I didn't have in my last position, and I confess it's going to take some getting used to. I have a voice and the power to direct a creative vision which is extremely refreshing. My boss told me she doesn't want me chained to my desk (hooray!) so today I went out to meet one of the managing librarians and discuss social media and communication strategies with her. It was so awesome. We had a great discussion and I had a burst of creative energy as a result.

In addition to finding my bearings and pushing myself in my new job, I'm also trying to be braver and more vulnerable in my personal life. For whatever reason, it's hard for me to accept that I might actually be attractive and interesting to the opposite sex. It's scary to put yourself out there and start to let someone see the real you. But I've learned the hard way that you don't know if you don't try. So right now it may just be baby-steps, but I'm trying and that feels good.

Today was fairly ordinary. I got up, went to work, and came home. But what made today different was the strong, comforting reminder to believe in myself--that who I am is not only enough, it's extremely valuable. I'm grateful for tender mercies that remind me of my true worth. It's easy to forget, but don't stop believing in yourself. I know that good things--big and small--happen when you do.

we all have a story to tell

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Each one of us is living his or her own story. No two stories are the same, and yet, we play pivotal roles in how the stories of others turn out--often without even knowing it. Reality differs for each individual despite the mutual sharing of experiences.

I've found that at times we willingly, although not always consciously, allow others to write our story for us. It's difficult to reconcile your feelings and emotions when you realize that while one person has taken up five chapters of your life, you're only worth a sentence or two in their story--proving the adage "they are always two sides to every story" to be entirely true.

Agency is both beautiful and alarming. As Lord Grantham says in Downton Abbey, "We all have chapters we'd rather keep unpublished." Making mistakes and wrong choices are a part of this life. It's why we're here. To learn and grow. Failure and sin are a natural part of our existence. I wish that was something I had understood earlier in life. It hasn't been until my adult years that I've truly come to see the intrinsic value in failure.

What must we do to ensure we form a narrative we can be proud of? How do we take control of our own story? Right now, the only answer I have is to keep going, to keep trying. Even if everyday you feel like a failure, don't give up. Keep the faith. Have hope. Sometimes phrases like that seem trivial and empty to me, but I know deep down they are true.

The concept of faith and hope has always perplexed me. Which comes first? Can you really not have one without the other? At this time in my life, I feel like I have hope but I lack faith. I think you need faith to take action. Hope is not enough to facilitate change. I need to push through my personal doubts and questions if I'm to find my faith once again. It's been cast aside for too long.

We all have a story to tell. I need to re-invite Heavenly Father to be the co-author of mine.

Dear Shonda Rhimes

Dear Shonda Rhimes,

Thank you for constructing a graceful exit, true to both Dr. Cristina Yang's character and journey. I wondered how #BurkeIsBack would play into Cristina's story. I gasped during the most recent episode, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, when Burke emerged from the shadows much like the beast in "Beauty & The Beast". Not all stories get to come back around, but I'm glad theirs did.

At the end of the day Cristina is the job. She lives to be a surgeon. Nothing else, not even love, takes greater precedent in her life. We've watched her struggle to make that choice over and over again for the past 10 seasons. Thus, it seems natural and right that given the opportunity to run a state-of-the-art heart institute, she would take it.

As you know, television shows are fickle. Unlike the writing of a novel, real people and their choices impact the telling of the story. Death seems to be the default choice when an actor decides to leave a show (even you, mastermind that you are, have chosen this fate for many a character on "Grey's Anatomy"). I understand that not everyone gets to be Matthew Weiner and kill a character off simply because that's how he intended the story to be told. And then there's poor Julianne Fellows, forced to kill off the beloved Matthew and ruin his masterpiece. Ah the injustice. 

I don't want Cristina to leave Grey's but since we have no choice in the matter, you could not have imagined a more perfect ending to her story. Well done, you TV-writing legend. You got it right.

Your Devoted Fan,

Clarissa

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Wednesday Wisdom: Settling

via The Everygirl

Last night in the middle of my WERQ dance fitness class cool down, I started contemplating the idea of "settling". What does it mean to settle? How does the act of settling impact one's life? These were questions that flooded my mind as I struggled to maintain my balance while stretching my quads.

The word settle has a negative connotation. For me, settling means continually choosing to put time, effort, and emotion into something or someone who doesn't fit my needs or goals. Sometimes what we want or think is best for us is actually the exact opposite.

There are a few "almosts" in my life--relationships and opportunities that despite my best efforts didn't come to fruition--that I have mourned. Not having the chance to pursue or experience something you really want is painful and frustrating.

Failure hurts too, but not in the same way. At least you had the opportunity to try. Stolen chances leave a different kind of void. "What if" can be a haunting companion.

As I focused on my breathing and stretched my aching muscles, I experienced a moment of clarity. I realized that if I'd succeeded in obtaining what I had previously deemed as lost opportunities, I would have been settling for a life different than the one my Heavenly Father intends for me.

Even though I may not understand why things I wanted didn't work it, I believe everything happens for a reason. Like Joy Wilson, I'm not the kind of girl who settles. I intend to keep not settling.

#gradlife

I decided to go to grad school for a lot of reasons. To have an adventure. To get away from a boy. To find my passion. To work towards an attainable goal.

In a few months I will have accomplished this great thing--getting my master's degree. I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm hoping that feeling will change once I receive my diploma.

Three years ago I applied to grad school because I thought that if I was really going to pursue writing as a profession, I couldn't get there on my own. I needed more training and more professional contacts. I also needed to feel like I was working towards something instead of being consumed by feelings of uncertainty and fear about the future.

The year between graduating from college and starting grad school is not one I'd care to repeat. My best friend was miles away serving a church mission, a romantic relationship I'd hoped would blossom combusted instead, and I had no idea what I was going to do for a job after my internship. I was alone and completely lost.

In an attempt to figure out my life and what to do next, I found a therapist and spent every Monday for nine months in his office. Slowly and painfully, I found enough courage and clarity to make an important decision about my future.

Grad school was never part of my plan but I'm not surprised I ended up there. I've spent the majority of my life performing well in school. School has always been a safe place and an environment where I feel at ease.

The funny thing is grad school has never felt safe or comfortable. They're have only been a few moments where I've felt really good about the work I produced or loved what I was doing. Every story has required an enormous amount of effort just to finish, let alone finish well. Despite my lack of confidence in my performance, I've had several professors praise my work and encourage me to pursue writing as a full-time career.

I don't regret the decision to go to grad school or move to Chicago, but like most things in life, I'm not where I'd thought I'd be by now. I still have a lot of the same questions about my future that I did three years ago. Plus, I'm in a lot more debt than when I started. I thought I'd find this great passion in grad school but that hasn't been the case. My career path isn't linear and I'm learning to accept that.

I need to figure out what's next, but this time I don't feel the same despair or pressure that I did three years ago. I'm more comfortable not having all the answers. I also feel more prepared and in a better place to tackle some of the personal issues I wasn't ready to face. Even though I still have a lot of questions about who I am and where I'm going, I'm proud of myself for choosing to do something with my life rather than sitting back and waiting for something to happen.

Even though the future is still scary, it's also exciting. What job will I have next? Will I finally start to date? How long will I live in Chicago? Where will I be a year from now?

What will life look after grad school? I don't know and that's finally ok. 

The Everygirl's 30 Day Challenge

image via The Everygirl

I love the idea of doing a 30 Day Challenge, so I was excited when last week The Everygirl announced a 30 Days of Journaling challenge beginning April 1st (tomorrow!). In some ways I use this blog as my journal, but there are some things even I like to keep to myself.

Writing is how I process my emotions and experiences. Too often I don't write at all because I want my writing to be polished and succinct right from the get go. After years of schooling I should know that's not the case.

That's the beautiful thing about journaling. You can free write and not worry about your reader, punctuation, or forming a complete, cohesive thought.

For the 30 day challenge I plan on writing by hand in an actual journal. I spend so much time in front of a screen I think it will be a good excuse to pull away. Writing by hand is a different experience than typing.

Interested in doing the 30 Days of Journaling challenge? Click here to read The Everygirl's post.

the odds of being alone

"Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone? I need answers now cause I am caught off guard. The quiet feels so loud. Tell me this is the hardest part."

- The Odds of Being Alone by Trent Dabbs ft. Amy Stroup

This past week, I've been unable to shake the nagging fear that I might end up alone. Sure it's a thought that occupies my consciousness periodically, but lately it's been at the forefront of my mind. Given some more recent happenings and revelations in my life, I believe this feeling is only natural. I know it will pass and hope will takes its place as it usually does. But right now the fear is very real.

It's not so much that I'm consumed by loneliness, but rather I'm acutely aware that the majority of my time is spent alone. I've grown accustomed to occupying the role of the single girl in almost all of my peer groups straight down to my family. It's not a bad role to fill, but like anything else, it comes with its own challenges. Sometimes being the one who's in a different place gets old. Being strong feels overrated. There's a light at the end of the tunnel I'm sure, it's just further away and a different hue than I always assumed.

It's baffling how one piece of information linked to a long unanswered question can completely transform your reality. How that knowledge can destroy hope you didn't fully realize you were harboring. Everything really can change in a instance. Suddenly, you can stop putting pressure on the wound. There isn't any blood left to bleed. Whether you like it or not, you're free. But freedom is a two-edged sword. Suddenly the lines you've drawn are crossed and life is altered forever. You'll live through it--of that you're sure--but for now, it takes a lot to live.

I know the fear won't last forever. My odds of being alone are slim. So I'll wage the war and fight to reclaim the hope I know is near.

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whatever side you're on, see another side

Friday night I watched the Mitt Romney documentary on Netflix. It is an intimate, realistic look at the rigors of running for president and the real Mitt Romney. The tag line says it all: "Whatever side you're on, see another side." Everyone--regardless of your political preference--should watch this documentary to gain a better understanding of what it takes to run for president.

I've studied politics in grad school, particularly the complex relationship between the press and the presidency. So much of an election, and then being the president, is an exercise in the performance art. To be a successful president, you have to be friends with the press. Often they control your message more than you. The 24/7 news cycle only complicates things.

Running for president is anything but glamorous. You see this firsthand in the documentary. It's a lot of hotels, fast food, and hours sitting on a bus or plane. You're never home and your time is never your own. Every person in your family is affected by the rigors of the process. No one is untouched. Josh Romney articulated the experience well when he said this in the documentary:

“They talk and they say, why can’t we get someone good to run for president? And this is why. This is why you don’t get good people running for president. What better guy is there than my dad? Is he perfect? I mean, absolutely not. He’s made mistakes. He’s done all sorts of things wrong. But for goodness sakes, here’s a brilliant guy whose experience is turning things around, which is what we need in this country. This is the guy for the moment. And we’re in this, and you just get beat up constantly. ‘Oh Mitt Romney’s a flip-flopper. He’s this. He’s that.’ You just kinda go, man, is this worth it? This is awful.”

- Josh Romney

I do not think President Obama is a bad person or horrible president. However, I do believe Mitt Romney is the better man and would have been a greater, more effective president. Unfortunately, the better candidate doesn't always win.

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You Don't Know Me Yet - Part 1

 

True confession: About a month ago, I made profiles on ldssingles.com, ldsmingle.com, and match.com. I'd considered trying online dating for awhile and decided to finally give it a go. Well, after precisely one week and without interacting with anyone, I freaked out and promptly deactivated my accounts. Dating--I don't how to do that! Plus, how do you portray yourself in a way that is both appealing and honest? What information do I even put on a dating profile?

Now that a little bit of time has passed since my first failed attempt, I've been reconsidering trying online dating again--for real this time. I don't know where to start and I'm still not sure if it's something I really want to do. However, I do know that writing helps me sort my feelings out. So here it goes, part one of what I would want a potential dating prospect to know about me if there weren't any rules or acceptable word lengths...

***

You don't know me yet, but if you were to take the time here is a little bit of what you'd find out:

I love my family. We tell each other more than we probably should sometimes but that's because we love and trust each other. I have good, strong relationships with both of my parents and FaceTime with my mom almost every day even if it's just for a few minutes. I also have great relationships with my two younger siblings. My brother is gay and is married to a wonderful man. My sister is also married and in the process of helping her sweet husband immigrate from Egypt to the United States. My parents were high school sweethearts and have been married for nearly 28 years. We're not a cookie-cutter, perfect Mormon family but our love runs deep.

I'm fairly simple when it comes to having a good time. My idea of a fun night out is perusing the aisles of Target before catching the premiere of The Hunger Games armed with a generous bag of sour patch kids. I love trying new restaurants, going to museums, camping, and shopping. Give me a TJ Maxx and I'm happy. The best part of shopping is finding a killer deal. I learned how to bargain shop from my thrifty mom. I enjoy baking over cooking, although I think I do both fairly well.

Reading and writing are both big parts of my life although I always feel like I could and should be doing more of both. My mind is stimulated when I read publications like the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and Time magazine. Knowing that I'm a good writer is one of the only things in life I've ever been completely sure of--and that I can sing. I've never had any true formal training but I know I have a good voice and enjoy singing. I grew up on country music but have an appreciation for many genres.

I played softball all growing up but I don't consider myself super athletic, although I do enjoy being active. I'm up for a 5K or bike ride along the lake anytime. Now volleyball or basketball, you might have to twist my arm a bit (I'm not very good at either). I'd really like to learn how to play tennis and I've never been golfing before but would like to try it one of these days. 

I confess I don't really understand or have much experience with how dating works. However, like my kindred spirit Ted Mosbey says in the first episode of How I Met Your Mother, if you were to bear with me through the dating part, I think I would make a damn good wife and a wonderful mother because that's the kind of stuff I'd be good at. At my very core those are the only two things I really want to be. Everything else is a bonus.

Interested in getting to know me? Stay tuned for part two.

What are you doing New Year's Eve?

New Year's Eve Party, 1952

Most single people hate Valentine's Day, right? Not this girl. Bring on the pink, chocolate, and hearts. But the handsome crooner singing "What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?"--he can stick it. I've had too many romantic letdowns and failed party attempts to have any admiration for the holiday.

So this year instead of having to figure out how to spend the one holiday I despise, I decided it would be the perfect day to head back to Chicago after spending Christmas in Utah. Based on my experience tonight, December 31st appears to be a very popular travel day for families. I've flown a lot this year and I've never had so many kids on my flight. It was super noisy and crowded. Midway was a nightmare too thanks to a winter storm hitting Chicago. It took forever to get my bags and then I hauled Harper and all my crap onto the train. What an adventure! This crazy cat lady has never been so happy to be back in her own apartment.

While I'm not a New Year's Eve fan, I am happy for the fresh start of a new year. A symbolic reset button is always welcome in my world. 2014 is sure to bring exciting changes and milestones. In six months I'll have my master's degree. I can hardly believe it. I don't know what's next but I'm excited for the future.

Forget New Year's Eve but here's to a Happy New Year!

(And At Christmas You Tell the Truth)

The truth is I gave my heart away some time ago. Years have passed and I'm still trying to put all the pieces back together. My wounds have healed but some unanswered questions remain. Maybe they always will. Among other things, I've learned that sometimes you have to live without your ideal form of closure.

Reflecting on the past in an attempt to understand the present and move forward towards the future, I often wonder: What emotions or memories has time blurred? How much of what I remember or think about is based in reality? I know that at 22 I was as hopeful and foolish as a Taylor Swift love song. Desperate to make sense of impending post-college life and feeling completely alone, I clutched at everything I thought would bring me closer to the picture I had in my mind of what my life was supposed to look like. That approach didn't work very well. Happily, I've survived and become a better person for it.

For awhile I was so hurt and confused I didn't know how to get my heart back. To be honest, I don't think I really wanted it back. It was mine to give and I wanted nothing more than to start a life with someone I loved by my side. The dream had become tangible for the first time and yet, it still eluded my grasp.

Last Christmas my little sister got married. This summer my three closest college roommates, including my best friend, said "I do". My brother also tied the knot. Here in Chicago the majority of my friends and coworkers are either married or in serious relationships. It's no exaggeration that I'm often the only "single" person.

Maturity and time have provided me with much needed insight and perspective. I'm surrounded by couples and I can truthfully say I'm genuinely happy for them. Do I wish I had the relationship portion of my life figured out already? Absolutely. Do I want to be married and have a family? More than anything. Am I learning to embrace who I am and the life I'm living? Every day.

The truth is I'm still trying to figure myself and love out. That's ok. Love is actually all around.

Flying

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Humanity is on display at an airport. Tearful goodbyes. Joyous reunions. Nervous explorers. Whatever emotion or scenario you're looking for, you can find it between arrivals and departures.

There's something about the airport and flying that put me in a hyper-reflective state. Maybe it's the long train ride on the L or anticipation for the impending trip. Whatever the reason, I usually become emotional and suddenly develop a strong urge to write.

I think about my relationships with individual people in my life and where they're headed--literally and figuratively. My melancholy mind becomes misty as I recall prior journeys with fondness. Senses are heightened and my memory enhanced.

When I'm up in the air, thousands of feet above ground, life is temporarily suspended. No phone calls can be made or texts sent. My wifi doesn't connect unless I fork over eight dollars. It is a period where I am truly alone with only music or reading materials to keep me company. Inevitably, my thoughts usually take over.

Flying is a chance to get away from the world.

diet coke insomnia

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I really should be sleeping but I have a lot on my mind and I think I drank a little too much diet coke close to bedtime.

Do you ever just feel like a total fraud? Like you're not even good at liking the things you like? Take reading for example. I love to read---books, magazines, newspapers etc. I'm a journalism grad student who doesn't read enough. I get the Wall Street Journal but admit I don't always make it past the headlines and front page. Time magazine comes in my mailbox every week but I don't always get around to reading it. I haven't read a novel in months.

Reading is just one, albeit very small, area I'm feeling inadequate in right now. Bigger ticket items include working out, eating healthy, my spirituality, and managing my finances. The list goes on.

My favorite journalism professor keeps encouraging and urging me to get my pieces published. What good is my work if no one ever sees it? You need clips to have credibility. Working full-time pulls my attention away from being a grad student. Combine that with the fact that my career goals don't necessarily match my journalism studies and the struggle to put forth the extra effort to get my pieces out there increases.

Time is such a precious commodity and yet it is so easy to waste. It's so much easier to consume episode upon episode of Friends in the background and pin things on Pinterest. Those activities require small ounces of engagement in the big picture. The big picture can be a lot to choke down every day.

So how do you balance goals, leisure time, and responsibilities? I don't think there is a solid answer but rather approaches and methods to try out. There are definitely times when I'm better at managing life than others.

Maybe the curse of living during this time is the constant competition for our attention. I keep thinking if I just had one day where I could get organized and find my center then I could change my everyday less than desirable habits. I think I may be wishing for a "day" that doesn't exist. Tomorrow always comes whether I'm ready or not.

Right now I just feel tired and inadequate. Where's the flipping reset button? It's a really, really good thing my mom is coming to visit in a few weeks because I need a hug. Like right now.

stop the glorification of busy

image by A Pair of Pears

True confession time--balancing everything life has to offer is hard. Grad school is hard. Eating healthy and exercising is hard. Keeping my studio apartment clean is hard. Waking up on time is hard. You get the idea.

I detest the glorification of busy that consumes our society. Like somehow busyness equates worth. I used to buy into that idea, in fact I whole-heartedly believed it to be true. Then I had a complete mental, emotional, and physical breakdown my freshman year of college. I've been on the path to rebuilding myself and my expectations ever since.

Lately I've found myself falling victim to the catchall phrase: "I'm so busy..." The combination of grad school staring again and my efforts to be more social have sometimes left me feeling like I'm on a merry-go-round I can't get off.

So what do you do when you feel overwhelmed? It's easy to tell yourself to just suck it up and that other people do so much more than you do--you should be able to handle this. Don't listen to those lies. If you're feeling overwhelmed, acknolwedge those feelings and figure out the different choices you can make so you feel more centered.

For me this past week, those different choices included saying no to an event I wanted to attend so I could get caught up on homework and clean my apartment. I also went to yoga Friday night with a friend.

Too often being "busy" means feeling out of control and frazzled. I want to be actively engaged in my life and the the activities I enjoy. Part of that process is figuring out when to push yourself and say yes and when to allow yourself to say no.

Finding life balance is a life long endeavor. I'd love to know how all of you manage the stresses of life. What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? How do keep yourself from falling into the "busy" trap?

True Love

photo by Lou Lou Photography

My parents met in high school at an early morning church class called seminary. It took awhile for my dad to ask my mom on a date but eventually he did. Not long after their first date my parents knew they were meant to be together.

After high school my dad served a church mission in Texas for two years and my mom went off to BYU. Three months after my dad returned home from his mission they were married in the Seattle temple. A year later they had me. A few years after that my brother came into the picture. A couple more years passed and my little sister was born.

Today my parents celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary. I feel honored and blessed to see first hand the loving, tender relationship my parents share. Both my mom and dad had difficult childhoods. It is truly a miracle that they found each other and were able to create such a loving, wonderful home environment for me and my siblings. 

My parents--that is what true love looks like. Because of their example, I have hope and faith that one day I too can have a strong, enduring marriage. Alone and together, life for my parents has rarely been easy. But no matter the obstacles they've faced individually and as a couple, my parents have always clung to each other and the Lord for support. Neither one of them is perfect, but together my parents continue to beat the odds.

Thank you mom and dad for loving each other so purely and unconditionally. Happy Anniversary!

True Confession: Flaws

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Flaws. I'm not talking about liking cashews or not wearing sock with sneakers. I mean those ugly parts of our personalities we'd like to think we don't have but do. Think you're perfect? Look again my friend. We are all flawed.

True confession: I'm a bailer. Too often in social situations I decide not to go at the last minute. I've committed and told people I will be there but when it comes time to actually show up my social anxiety gets the better of me and I can't pull the trigger.

Case in point. This weekend we had a regional conference/outing for the single adults in my church. On a normal week my anxiety would be a hill I have to climb, but a particularly rough week turned that hill into a mountain. Now that's not to say I couldn't have strapped on my boots and conquered the beastly mountain. There are times when I have, but this wasn't one of them.

Activities were stretched over Saturday and Sunday. Saturday I didn't go to anything but at least I had Sunday where I could redeem myself somewhat. I agreed to help out with the food committee on Sunday in hopes that having an obligation would make it easier for me to get my butt out of bed. My sweet friend even reached out to make sure I had a ride.

I don't like the fact that I'm a bailer. I don't want that label or reputation. It's rude to others and doesn't serve me well. I guess the first step in remedying a flaw is acknowledging you have one. You can't change what you don't know. Just like I seek others' forgiveness, I have to forgive myself.

On the bright side, I have times where I conquer my anxiety and show up and those times usually turn out pretty well. The goal is to win more battles than I lose. That's what I'm working on.

This weekend's verdict: Social Anxiety - 1; Clarissa - 0. Battle on!

just another unproductive monday

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Monday, Monday. I don't what it is but I never seem to be very productive on Mondays. It takes everything I have to haul my butt out of bed, make myself mildly presentable, and get to the office on time. And it's not like I party on the weekends. This girl won't every know what a hangover feels like. I can only imagine and it doesn't look good.

Once I'm at work my level of work efficiency is dismal at best. Same goes for my Monday night classes. I've had a Monday night class the past three quarters. When I get home, I crash in front of Netflixs until I decide to actually go to sleep and try again tomorrow. Laundry sits in the hamper. Dishes wait impatiently in the sink. Nothing ever gets done.

You would think that coming off the weekend I would be perky and at least somewhat refreshed. Nope, apparently not the case. Do you feel like you're less productive on Mondays? What do you do to get yourself motivated to face another week?

Help me cure my habitual case of the Monday blues!

a good day in chicago

April showers have given way to rising May temperatures here in the Windy City. Blossoms are everywhere. Yesterday the temperature was perfect. The essence of spring lifted my spirits. It was a good day.

Running along Lake Michigan the fresh air took my breath away. I felt alive and free. Chicago truly is a gorgeous city. Yesterday, instead of feeling alone and insignificant, I felt a part of something bigger.

Later in the evening I visited my friends Brooke and Elise. We hung out on their rooftop in the heart of downtown. Gazing east towards Millennium Park I felt the urge to swing from building to building like Spider Man. Twenty-three floors up the surrounding architecture took on a unique, tangible sensibility.

I'm grateful for days like yesterday that offer relief from the day-to-day stress of life. A brief escape and sense of satisfaction. Peace. 

Leaning In

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Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In" movement has me completely captivated. I even pre-ordered her book this weekend--a very uncharacteristic move for me.

My initiation occurred with the reading of the Levo League's blog post last week: "Why Levo is Leaning In". Next, I read the now well-known and widely criticized New York Times article: "A Titan's How-To on Breaking the Glass Ceiling". Then, I found Sandberg on TIME magazine's cover: "Confidence Woman". Suddenly the majority of my tweets reflected the hashtag #LeaningIn.

Is Lean In a modern feminist manifesto? I don't know yet and I'm not particularly invested in determining the accuracy of that label. It's not why I'm interested. For me, the "Lean In" movement provides means to identify the internal obstacles I face in relation to my ability to succeed professionally, as well as personally.

A key question Sandberg poses in her book is "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" This is a question well worth the asking, and one I pose to myself frequently.   

“Don’t let your fears overwhelm your desire. Let the barriers you face—and there will be barriers—be external, not internal.” - Sheryl Sandberg 

I'm very interested in identifying the internal barriers that hold me back. Those are ones I can control.

Being Mormon, I'm aware my views on family and career often differ from the average 20-something single girl just getting started. My deepest desire is to be a wife and mother. For me, that is the bottom line--that is what matters most. I greatly value education and contributing to society in a meaningful way, but having a high-power career isn't my number one, end-all goal. However, that doesn't mean professional success isn't important to me.

"For decades, we have focused on giving women the choice to work inside or outside the home. . . . But we have to ask ourselves if we have become so focused on supporting personal choices that we’re failing to encourage women to aspire to leadership." - Sheryl Sandberg

I didn't go to college to get married, what Mormons jokingly refer to as getting an MRS degree. I went to college to advance my studies and earn a degree. However, I always assumed marriage would come along during those years. I'm not sure what I thought would happen after graduation, but I know I didn't expect to face decisions about my future career alone.

Since graduating with my bachelor's degree in May 2010, I've struggled to figure out how to align my approach to my career in relation to my desire to become a wife and mother. I don't aspire to a professional position equivalent to Sheryl Sandberg. However, I want to do work I'm passionate about and challenge myself to take risks. Just because a high-profile career isn't my number one goal, it doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't excel and take on leadership roles in the workplace.

I see "Lean In" as an important piece of the puzzle I'm trying to solve. A new way to look and examine how I approach my life. We all deserve to feel empowered in all arenas. I want more experiences where I lean in rather than lean back.  

Additional great reads about Lean In and Sheryl Sandberg:

• Why Sandberg Matters for Real Women - TIME Ideas
• "Yes, You Can" - New York Times Sunday Book Review  
• "Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In Site and Groups Launch--Will They Make a Difference?" - Huffington Post
•  "Maybe You Should Read the Book: The Sheryl Sandberg Backlash" - The New Yorker
• "Here's What Lean In Is and Why You Should be a Part of It" - Levo League 

Thank you, Honest Abe

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The final hours of President's Day are fading away but I didn't want to pass up this opportunity to give a shout out to Honest Abe. I've always felt a special connection to Lincoln. Genealogically speaking he is my cousin. We are related to him through his mother's line, the Hanks.

Growing up I was obsessed with history, particularly the Civil War period. In second grade when it came time for each of us to do a report on an American president, guess who I chose? In fact, my teacher saved Lincoln especially for me because she knew how upset I'd be if I didn't get to research and write about him. I was quite proud of my presidential lineage and never missed an opportunity to inform a classmate.

Going to Washington D.C. when I was seven-years-old made me more happy and exuberant than a trip to Disneyland. That's how passionate I felt about Lincoln and American history. My adoration for the man continues today.

Thank you, Honest Abe for showing our country what it means to be a leader. Thank you for having the courage to fear God more than man. Thank you for doing your duty no matter the cost.

Happy President's Day!