"Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone? I need answers now cause I am caught off guard. The quiet feels so loud. Tell me this is the hardest part."
This past week, I've been unable to shake the nagging fear that I might end up alone. Sure it's a thought that occupies my consciousness periodically, but lately it's been at the forefront of my mind. Given some more recent happenings and revelations in my life, I believe this feeling is only natural. I know it will pass and hope will takes its place as it usually does. But right now the fear is very real.
It's not so much that I'm consumed by loneliness, but rather I'm acutely aware that the majority of my time is spent alone. I've grown accustomed to occupying the role of the single girl in almost all of my peer groups straight down to my family. It's not a bad role to fill, but like anything else, it comes with its own challenges. Sometimes being the one who's in a different place gets old. Being strong feels overrated. There's a light at the end of the tunnel I'm sure, it's just further away and a different hue than I always assumed.
It's baffling how one piece of information linked to a long unanswered question can completely transform your reality. How that knowledge can destroy hope you didn't fully realize you were harboring. Everything really can change in a instance. Suddenly, you can stop putting pressure on the wound. There isn't any blood left to bleed. Whether you like it or not, you're free. But freedom is a two-edged sword. Suddenly the lines you've drawn are crossed and life is altered forever. You'll live through it--of that you're sure--but for now, it takes a lot to live.
I know the fear won't last forever. My odds of being alone are slim. So I'll wage the war and fight to reclaim the hope I know is near.