"Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone? I need answers now cause I am caught off guard. The quiet feels so loud. Tell me this is the hardest part."
- The Odds of Being Alone by Trent Dabbs ft. Amy Stroup
This past week, I've been unable to shake the nagging fear that I might end up alone. Sure it's a thought that occupies my consciousness periodically, but lately it's been at the forefront of my mind. Given some more recent happenings and revelations in my life, I believe this feeling is only natural. I know it will pass and hope will takes its place as it usually does. But right now the fear is very real.
It's not so much that I'm consumed by loneliness, but rather I'm acutely aware that the majority of my time is spent alone. I've grown accustomed to occupying the role of the single girl in almost all of my peer groups straight down to my family. It's not a bad role to fill, but like anything else, it comes with its own challenges. Sometimes being the one who's in a different place gets old. Being strong feels overrated. There's a light at the end of the tunnel I'm sure, it's just further away and a different hue than I always assumed.
It's baffling how one piece of information linked to a long unanswered question can completely transform your reality. How that knowledge can destroy hope you didn't fully realize you were harboring. Everything really can change in a instance. Suddenly, you can stop putting pressure on the wound. There isn't any blood left to bleed. Whether you like it or not, you're free. But freedom is a two-edged sword. Suddenly the lines you've drawn are crossed and life is altered forever. You'll live through it--of that you're sure--but for now, it takes a lot to live.
I know the fear won't last forever. My odds of being alone are slim. So I'll wage the war and fight to reclaim the hope I know is near.
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This thought crosses my mind time and time again. Especially as my social circle has started to include people a few years older than me who are still alone and it makes it a very scary reality. It wouldn't all be bad, but it would definitely be a trial. Hope is an interesting thing to hold on to. It's like Kathleen Kelly says "there is the dream of someone else". And that's enough for now.
ReplyDeleteVery Sobering read. I Love you Rissy. xoxoo
ReplyDelete"It's not so much that I'm consumed by loneliness, but rather I'm acutely aware that the majority of my time is spent alone." Beautiful!! Thank you for putting my feelings into words!
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. Hope you're okay. Just so you know, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone who is not part of your immediate circle, I'm here for you (and a great phone talker!) :)
ReplyDeleteI can see how you could feel this way.....we live in a "couples" world...........I have to tell you, you are amazing, it's only been the last few years that I would be able to go into a restaurant, be seated, order and eat alone. Harmony is good at this......me not so much. I so admired you for packing up and moving to Chicago, by yourself and fulfilling your dream. Just know that there a alot of "scardey cats" like me, who were into their late 40's early 50's before they had the confidence to go alone.
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