wednesday wisdom...

Today's Wednesday Wisdom is a mantra I keep repeating as of late. In the broader sense, I believe this truth applies to everyone--we all want things to work out. However, at certain times this desire is ever more present. Right now I have two potential, major career opportunities.

Trying to be patient is killing me.

I'm waiting to find out if I made the cut for my dream internship and in a few weeks I'll be applying for a full-time position with my department. I'd have more responsibility, benefits, sick leave, and my second year of school paid for! It would change my entire life, as would the internship I'm waiting to hear back on. 

I just want things to work out.

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wednesday wisdom...

This is how I felt every day last week. It was the last week of spring quarter and end to my first year of grad school. Going through my first year of grad school has been like running my first marathon. Last week was mile 21 and I had nothing left in me. All I could do was try to breath and tell myself I could make it to the end. Breathing really can be a phenomenal accomplishment.

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the long hot summer...

Over Memorial Day weekend a few weeks ago temperatures here in Chicago were consistently over 90 degrees. It's no secret that I'm a total heat wimp. Although I spent five years in Utah where the summers do tend to heat up. However, I grew up in Seattle. Enough said. Heat is not my thing. The humidity induced heat of the Midwest is even better than Utah. Oh baby. Little Harper and I were beyond uncomfortable. She retreated to the closet and buried herself in my laundry basket. Cuddling together was definitely a no go.

My dad had been bugging me to get an air conditioner for the past month or two but the temperatures had been so mild and with trying to finish up school I just hadn't gotten around to it. After the grueling heat making me and Harper both want to keel over, I decided it was time. Last week I ordered my air conditioner off target.com and waited patiently for it to arrive. The only problem was the UPS guy wouldn't leave it in my building without me signing for it because he said it would get stolen. I'm not home during the day and I don't have roommates. Harper obviously can't sign for a package. Dang it.

I had to have the package re-routed to my work address. Did I mention the air conditioner weighs 42 pounds? Not cool (no pun intended). So Tuesday after work I hauled the air conditioner to the bus stop, lugged it onto the bus, got off at the Roscoe stop, and huffed and puffed the remaining three blocks to my apartment...only to be met with four flights of stairs. It was super fun. The joy of living in the city after selling my car.

Saturday I finally had the time to install it. I could have called my building manager to have him do it or help me, but I'm stubborn. I did it myself. At first I wasn't sure if the unit would be able to cool my whole apartment down but after a few hours the entire room was transformed. Harper slept peacefully and my constant sweating reduced itself considerably. Walking into my apartment from the outside is actually cooler now rather than the other way around.

All of this heat and uncomfortableness has made me long to watch the movie "The Long Hot Summer". A friend in college introduced me to the movie and my love affair with Paul Newman commenced. He's so ruggedly handsome and his acting skills match the caliber of his outward physique. Joanne Woodward was a lucky lady.  

For those of you unfamiliar with the film, the characters, storyline, and setting are all influenced by the works of literary master William Faulkner. The climax of the story is reminiscent of "Barn Burning", one of Faulkner's short stories I read in AP English. The sexual and emotional tension between the characters, particularly Paul and Joanne, builds throughout the course of the film just like the squelching heat of a summer's day. It's breathtakingly hot and all without skin and sex scenes. Thank you films of yesteryear. The story's depth is fantastic and shows the power of old cinema.

This weekend I ordered the DVD from Amazon. It's supposed to arrive today. So tonight, after watching the Mad Men finale, I will be watching "The Long Hot Summer" in the comfort of my air-conditioned apartment. Bring on the heat...

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It's 3:00 am...

It's 3:00 am and I can't sleep. I had a rough weekend where all I did was sleep during the day so that of course has thrown me off. Plus, I haven't taken my medication since Saturday because I ran out thinking I still had one more bottle---nope. Hopefully the rush order will get here soon because I feel very out of sorts.

For the past few minutes tears have been slowly rolling down my cheeks as I peruse a new photography blog taking in all the engagement, wedding, and expectant family wonder. It's no secret that finding my husband and starting a family are what I long for most, what keeps me awake at night (case in point). It's hard to have faith and move forward when you can't see the whole staircase or where it leads. But, Martin Luther King was right, courage is taking the first step. That's what I try to do everyday. Some days I move forward and others I fall back, but I try to keep moving.

I don't always know why I'm here or where I'm going. If I can muster the strength tomorrow to go interview Gus at Stella's Diner, write my story, and submit it by Wednesday, I'll have made it through my first year of grad school. Right now that's something I can't comprehend. It seems impossible. I'm ready for a break. To let the brave juice have a rest. I go home to see my family in less than two weeks. My baby sister is graduating from high school...another life event that's difficult to believe.

In a month I'll be in Utah with my best friends again. They want me to move back. Missing them is the hardest part of living so far away. Sometimes I think doing something big and trying to find myself is overrated. The comfort of home has always been something I dismiss as being less worthy or desirable compared to other aims or necessities in life. I'm not sure when I started but I'm fairly certain I've conditioned myself to believe that needing home, being in a place where I'm comfortable, is weak. That it's a luxury I'm not able to afford.

I live in an amazing city and have the wonderful opportunity to be in grad school, but I honestly don't know how I manage to make it through each day. I'm living on borrowed money and sometimes borrowed time. I know I'm not alone in my feelings or place in this world at the age of almost 25, but that doesn't always make a difference in how I feel.

I miss my friends...

 

I miss being around people who really know me; people who've been there through good times and bad. Friends with whom I share common experiences. Here in Chicago I've met some really nice people who are a lot of fun to hang out with, but few really know me. I don't expect or necessarily want a ton of people to know intimate details about my life, but I miss having a strong group of friends who love and understand things about each other.

I have one really good friend here and for that I am extremely grateful. She is in my program with me and is such a fun girl. We help keep each other sane. It's so nice having someone to share this grad school experience with who really gets it. The only other person with whom I've shared intimate details about my life has turned out not to be a very good friend. For whatever reason--I have no idea what--I've been dismissed by him. It really pisses me off and hurts, but I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

I'm going to Utah for Fourth of July. I'm so excited! I miss my college friends so much and the family I have there. Even though it's hard being thousands of miles away, I am still so grateful to have amazing people in my life. Sometimes I just wonder why I moved so far away. But, I'm doing my best to form a life here in Chicago. I know that even though my friends and I don't live in the same state we can still maintain our friendships. I didn't always realize that. I'm grateful for that new knowledge.

July can't come fast enough!

two years ago today...

Two years ago today I graduated from Utah State University with my bachelor's degree in English. So crazy.

A few days ago my Auntie Jalyne sent me a recording she had me make the day I was honored as the English Department Student of the Year. I was so happy she could come and celebrate that special day with me.

I poo-pooed her when she had me make the recording for posterity's sake, but I'm so glad she did. It's a little gem that captures my true feelings about the amazing experience I had at Utah State.

Once an Aggie, Always Aggie!

My bro Ted Mosby...

The TV show How I Met Your Mother brings great joy and happiness to my life. My good friends Emilee and Josh had always told me how funny it was but I just hadn't picked it up until a few months ago.

I had recently finished watching the tenth season of Friends and had caught up with both Downton Abbey and Mad Men. I needed a new TV show. Enter HIMYM and the beauty of Netflix. I'm pretty sure I watched all six seasons in less than a month.

All of the characters hold a special place in my heart (yes, even Barney), but the character I identify with most is Ted. Yeah, the title of this post kind of gave it away. I am the female version of Ted. The quote below from the pilot episode sums up who Ted is and what he wants out of life. My feelings are mutual.

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...

Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.

Ted: Oh, I've got references...

Ted longs for the day when he will get to be a husband and father. There's nothing I want more out of life than to be a wife and mother. Ted isn't good at being single and neither am I. Unlike a lot of my peers, I want commitment. I'm not afraid of it, I just haven't found it yet. It takes a lot for me to fall but when I do I'm all in. I see the big picture just as much as the right now.

Mosby and I...we see eye to eye. We're totally bros. Even though the series is still going, we know Ted is victorious in the end. I mean the show is called How I Met Your Mother. If Ted can get his happy ending one day there's hope for me too. Love ya bro...keep the hope alive!

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