It's 3:00 am and I can't sleep. I had a rough weekend where all I did was sleep during the day so that of course has thrown me off. Plus, I haven't taken my medication since Saturday because I ran out thinking I still had one more bottle---nope. Hopefully the rush order will get here soon because I feel very out of sorts.
For the past few minutes tears have been slowly rolling down my cheeks as I peruse a new photography blog taking in all the engagement, wedding, and expectant family wonder. It's no secret that finding my husband and starting a family are what I long for most, what keeps me awake at night (case in point). It's hard to have faith and move forward when you can't see the whole staircase or where it leads. But, Martin Luther King was right, courage is taking the first step. That's what I try to do everyday. Some days I move forward and others I fall back, but I try to keep moving.
I don't always know why I'm here or where I'm going. If I can muster the strength tomorrow to go interview Gus at Stella's Diner, write my story, and submit it by Wednesday, I'll have made it through my first year of grad school. Right now that's something I can't comprehend. It seems impossible. I'm ready for a break. To let the brave juice have a rest. I go home to see my family in less than two weeks. My baby sister is graduating from high school...another life event that's difficult to believe.
In a month I'll be in Utah with my best friends again. They want me to move back. Missing them is the hardest part of living so far away. Sometimes I think doing something big and trying to find myself is overrated. The comfort of home has always been something I dismiss as being less worthy or desirable compared to other aims or necessities in life. I'm not sure when I started but I'm fairly certain I've conditioned myself to believe that needing home, being in a place where I'm comfortable, is weak. That it's a luxury I'm not able to afford.
I live in an amazing city and have the wonderful opportunity to be in grad school, but I honestly don't know how I manage to make it through each day. I'm living on borrowed money and sometimes borrowed time. I know I'm not alone in my feelings or place in this world at the age of almost 25, but that doesn't always make a difference in how I feel.