the odds of being alone

"Wouldn't you like to know the odds of being alone? I need answers now cause I am caught off guard. The quiet feels so loud. Tell me this is the hardest part."

- The Odds of Being Alone by Trent Dabbs ft. Amy Stroup

This past week, I've been unable to shake the nagging fear that I might end up alone. Sure it's a thought that occupies my consciousness periodically, but lately it's been at the forefront of my mind. Given some more recent happenings and revelations in my life, I believe this feeling is only natural. I know it will pass and hope will takes its place as it usually does. But right now the fear is very real.

It's not so much that I'm consumed by loneliness, but rather I'm acutely aware that the majority of my time is spent alone. I've grown accustomed to occupying the role of the single girl in almost all of my peer groups straight down to my family. It's not a bad role to fill, but like anything else, it comes with its own challenges. Sometimes being the one who's in a different place gets old. Being strong feels overrated. There's a light at the end of the tunnel I'm sure, it's just further away and a different hue than I always assumed.

It's baffling how one piece of information linked to a long unanswered question can completely transform your reality. How that knowledge can destroy hope you didn't fully realize you were harboring. Everything really can change in a instance. Suddenly, you can stop putting pressure on the wound. There isn't any blood left to bleed. Whether you like it or not, you're free. But freedom is a two-edged sword. Suddenly the lines you've drawn are crossed and life is altered forever. You'll live through it--of that you're sure--but for now, it takes a lot to live.

I know the fear won't last forever. My odds of being alone are slim. So I'll wage the war and fight to reclaim the hope I know is near.

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whatever side you're on, see another side

Friday night I watched the Mitt Romney documentary on Netflix. It is an intimate, realistic look at the rigors of running for president and the real Mitt Romney. The tag line says it all: "Whatever side you're on, see another side." Everyone--regardless of your political preference--should watch this documentary to gain a better understanding of what it takes to run for president.

I've studied politics in grad school, particularly the complex relationship between the press and the presidency. So much of an election, and then being the president, is an exercise in the performance art. To be a successful president, you have to be friends with the press. Often they control your message more than you. The 24/7 news cycle only complicates things.

Running for president is anything but glamorous. You see this firsthand in the documentary. It's a lot of hotels, fast food, and hours sitting on a bus or plane. You're never home and your time is never your own. Every person in your family is affected by the rigors of the process. No one is untouched. Josh Romney articulated the experience well when he said this in the documentary:

“They talk and they say, why can’t we get someone good to run for president? And this is why. This is why you don’t get good people running for president. What better guy is there than my dad? Is he perfect? I mean, absolutely not. He’s made mistakes. He’s done all sorts of things wrong. But for goodness sakes, here’s a brilliant guy whose experience is turning things around, which is what we need in this country. This is the guy for the moment. And we’re in this, and you just get beat up constantly. ‘Oh Mitt Romney’s a flip-flopper. He’s this. He’s that.’ You just kinda go, man, is this worth it? This is awful.”

- Josh Romney

I do not think President Obama is a bad person or horrible president. However, I do believe Mitt Romney is the better man and would have been a greater, more effective president. Unfortunately, the better candidate doesn't always win.

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my unofficial new year's resolutions (aka goals)

January is almost over but writing goals down is important right? Better late than never, I say. I'm not one for making "new year's resolutions" aka fleeting, grandiose gestures of the most insincere nature. However, I find the dawning of a new year a great time to pause and reflect on the various aspects of my life: emotional, mental, spiritual, physical etc.

So, in no particular order, here are the goals I'm focusing on right now in my life:

only buy lunch and breakfast once a week

Two out of the past three weeks I've totally rocked this goal. Last week, not so much. I'm recommitting this week. It helps that the Polar Vortex makes me not want to leave my office for lunch. Oh the joys of living in Chiberia.

workout 2-3 times per week

Last week I only made it to the gym once but the week before I went two times, which felt amazing. Exercising is always important, but for me it's especially crucial during the winter months. It's one of the only things that helps my depression and counteracts my battle with seasonal affective disorder. 

read at least one book per month

My best friend Sarah and I decided to make a goal for this year to read one book a month together. January we delved into Bossypants by the one and only Tina Fey. I just finished it tonight and would highly recommend it. Next on our list is The Book Thief in February.

try online dating 

I talked about trying online dating in my last post and since then I've officially signed up for one month of Match.com and LDSMingle.com. I haven't been on any dates yet but I've talked to a few guys. The mormon bachelor population is definitely lacking in Chicago but I'm not giving up yet.

attend church more frequently 

Of all my goals, this one is the most important and I'm ashamed to admit it's the one I've made no progress in so far. The last two Sundays I've planned to go to church and then the paralyzing anxiety I so often experience has taken hold. It something that shouldn't be hard, but it is, for me. I've still have a lot of progress to be made.

images via 1 / 2 / 3 - my own / 4 / 5

You Don't Know Me Yet - Part 1

 

True confession: About a month ago, I made profiles on ldssingles.com, ldsmingle.com, and match.com. I'd considered trying online dating for awhile and decided to finally give it a go. Well, after precisely one week and without interacting with anyone, I freaked out and promptly deactivated my accounts. Dating--I don't how to do that! Plus, how do you portray yourself in a way that is both appealing and honest? What information do I even put on a dating profile?

Now that a little bit of time has passed since my first failed attempt, I've been reconsidering trying online dating again--for real this time. I don't know where to start and I'm still not sure if it's something I really want to do. However, I do know that writing helps me sort my feelings out. So here it goes, part one of what I would want a potential dating prospect to know about me if there weren't any rules or acceptable word lengths...

***

You don't know me yet, but if you were to take the time here is a little bit of what you'd find out:

I love my family. We tell each other more than we probably should sometimes but that's because we love and trust each other. I have good, strong relationships with both of my parents and FaceTime with my mom almost every day even if it's just for a few minutes. I also have great relationships with my two younger siblings. My brother is gay and is married to a wonderful man. My sister is also married and in the process of helping her sweet husband immigrate from Egypt to the United States. My parents were high school sweethearts and have been married for nearly 28 years. We're not a cookie-cutter, perfect Mormon family but our love runs deep.

I'm fairly simple when it comes to having a good time. My idea of a fun night out is perusing the aisles of Target before catching the premiere of The Hunger Games armed with a generous bag of sour patch kids. I love trying new restaurants, going to museums, camping, and shopping. Give me a TJ Maxx and I'm happy. The best part of shopping is finding a killer deal. I learned how to bargain shop from my thrifty mom. I enjoy baking over cooking, although I think I do both fairly well.

Reading and writing are both big parts of my life although I always feel like I could and should be doing more of both. My mind is stimulated when I read publications like the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and Time magazine. Knowing that I'm a good writer is one of the only things in life I've ever been completely sure of--and that I can sing. I've never had any true formal training but I know I have a good voice and enjoy singing. I grew up on country music but have an appreciation for many genres.

I played softball all growing up but I don't consider myself super athletic, although I do enjoy being active. I'm up for a 5K or bike ride along the lake anytime. Now volleyball or basketball, you might have to twist my arm a bit (I'm not very good at either). I'd really like to learn how to play tennis and I've never been golfing before but would like to try it one of these days. 

I confess I don't really understand or have much experience with how dating works. However, like my kindred spirit Ted Mosbey says in the first episode of How I Met Your Mother, if you were to bear with me through the dating part, I think I would make a damn good wife and a wonderful mother because that's the kind of stuff I'd be good at. At my very core those are the only two things I really want to be. Everything else is a bonus.

Interested in getting to know me? Stay tuned for part two.

What are you doing New Year's Eve?

New Year's Eve Party, 1952

Most single people hate Valentine's Day, right? Not this girl. Bring on the pink, chocolate, and hearts. But the handsome crooner singing "What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?"--he can stick it. I've had too many romantic letdowns and failed party attempts to have any admiration for the holiday.

So this year instead of having to figure out how to spend the one holiday I despise, I decided it would be the perfect day to head back to Chicago after spending Christmas in Utah. Based on my experience tonight, December 31st appears to be a very popular travel day for families. I've flown a lot this year and I've never had so many kids on my flight. It was super noisy and crowded. Midway was a nightmare too thanks to a winter storm hitting Chicago. It took forever to get my bags and then I hauled Harper and all my crap onto the train. What an adventure! This crazy cat lady has never been so happy to be back in her own apartment.

While I'm not a New Year's Eve fan, I am happy for the fresh start of a new year. A symbolic reset button is always welcome in my world. 2014 is sure to bring exciting changes and milestones. In six months I'll have my master's degree. I can hardly believe it. I don't know what's next but I'm excited for the future.

Forget New Year's Eve but here's to a Happy New Year!

(And At Christmas You Tell the Truth)

The truth is I gave my heart away some time ago. Years have passed and I'm still trying to put all the pieces back together. My wounds have healed but some unanswered questions remain. Maybe they always will. Among other things, I've learned that sometimes you have to live without your ideal form of closure.

Reflecting on the past in an attempt to understand the present and move forward towards the future, I often wonder: What emotions or memories has time blurred? How much of what I remember or think about is based in reality? I know that at 22 I was as hopeful and foolish as a Taylor Swift love song. Desperate to make sense of impending post-college life and feeling completely alone, I clutched at everything I thought would bring me closer to the picture I had in my mind of what my life was supposed to look like. That approach didn't work very well. Happily, I've survived and become a better person for it.

For awhile I was so hurt and confused I didn't know how to get my heart back. To be honest, I don't think I really wanted it back. It was mine to give and I wanted nothing more than to start a life with someone I loved by my side. The dream had become tangible for the first time and yet, it still eluded my grasp.

Last Christmas my little sister got married. This summer my three closest college roommates, including my best friend, said "I do". My brother also tied the knot. Here in Chicago the majority of my friends and coworkers are either married or in serious relationships. It's no exaggeration that I'm often the only "single" person.

Maturity and time have provided me with much needed insight and perspective. I'm surrounded by couples and I can truthfully say I'm genuinely happy for them. Do I wish I had the relationship portion of my life figured out already? Absolutely. Do I want to be married and have a family? More than anything. Am I learning to embrace who I am and the life I'm living? Every day.

The truth is I'm still trying to figure myself and love out. That's ok. Love is actually all around.

Flying

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Humanity is on display at an airport. Tearful goodbyes. Joyous reunions. Nervous explorers. Whatever emotion or scenario you're looking for, you can find it between arrivals and departures.

There's something about the airport and flying that put me in a hyper-reflective state. Maybe it's the long train ride on the L or anticipation for the impending trip. Whatever the reason, I usually become emotional and suddenly develop a strong urge to write.

I think about my relationships with individual people in my life and where they're headed--literally and figuratively. My melancholy mind becomes misty as I recall prior journeys with fondness. Senses are heightened and my memory enhanced.

When I'm up in the air, thousands of feet above ground, life is temporarily suspended. No phone calls can be made or texts sent. My wifi doesn't connect unless I fork over eight dollars. It is a period where I am truly alone with only music or reading materials to keep me company. Inevitably, my thoughts usually take over.

Flying is a chance to get away from the world.