Monday, October 29, 2012

What's it like on the inside of love?

I don't know what it's like to be a "we". I'm 25 and never been in a serious relationship. I look around and see friends, acquaintances, and strangers paired together, marching forward two-by-two. How would that be? Honestly, I have no idea.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm good at it; sometimes too good. But the truth is all I really want is to share my life with someone. Dinner date on Saturday night...check. Groupon for a charming B&B in honey and I will be there with bells on. Free back massage whenever I need it...done.  

My deepest desire is to be a wife and mother. For whatever reason love hasn't come my way yet. I've made my peace with my reality as best I can. I'm not bitter or angry. Frustrated and confused at times? Yes. Perplexed by the whole love equation? Definitely. Ridiculously impatient? Guilty.

I've never wanted to be one of those people sitting around waiting for life to begin. I'm looking for a partner, not someone to make me whole. You have to learn to live in the "now". I try to focus on bettering myself and finding joy. Some days, weeks, and months are better than others.

I've been on dates, kissed a few guys. Several guys have even quote "broken-up" with me despite the fact that we hadn't started dating. Funny stories let me tell ya. A few years ago I found a person I could actually picture a real future with--not some fantasy or unattainable desire--but a life beyond the honeymoon phase. The timing wasn't right.

Right now I'm on the outside of love. It "must be a different view to be a me with a you..." I don't know what the future holds, but I move forward. Daydreaming, wondering, and hoping.

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