It's 3:00 am...

It's 3:00 am and I can't sleep. I had a rough weekend where all I did was sleep during the day so that of course has thrown me off. Plus, I haven't taken my medication since Saturday because I ran out thinking I still had one more bottle---nope. Hopefully the rush order will get here soon because I feel very out of sorts.

For the past few minutes tears have been slowly rolling down my cheeks as I peruse a new photography blog taking in all the engagement, wedding, and expectant family wonder. It's no secret that finding my husband and starting a family are what I long for most, what keeps me awake at night (case in point). It's hard to have faith and move forward when you can't see the whole staircase or where it leads. But, Martin Luther King was right, courage is taking the first step. That's what I try to do everyday. Some days I move forward and others I fall back, but I try to keep moving.

I don't always know why I'm here or where I'm going. If I can muster the strength tomorrow to go interview Gus at Stella's Diner, write my story, and submit it by Wednesday, I'll have made it through my first year of grad school. Right now that's something I can't comprehend. It seems impossible. I'm ready for a break. To let the brave juice have a rest. I go home to see my family in less than two weeks. My baby sister is graduating from high school...another life event that's difficult to believe.

In a month I'll be in Utah with my best friends again. They want me to move back. Missing them is the hardest part of living so far away. Sometimes I think doing something big and trying to find myself is overrated. The comfort of home has always been something I dismiss as being less worthy or desirable compared to other aims or necessities in life. I'm not sure when I started but I'm fairly certain I've conditioned myself to believe that needing home, being in a place where I'm comfortable, is weak. That it's a luxury I'm not able to afford.

I live in an amazing city and have the wonderful opportunity to be in grad school, but I honestly don't know how I manage to make it through each day. I'm living on borrowed money and sometimes borrowed time. I know I'm not alone in my feelings or place in this world at the age of almost 25, but that doesn't always make a difference in how I feel.

I miss my friends...

 

I miss being around people who really know me; people who've been there through good times and bad. Friends with whom I share common experiences. Here in Chicago I've met some really nice people who are a lot of fun to hang out with, but few really know me. I don't expect or necessarily want a ton of people to know intimate details about my life, but I miss having a strong group of friends who love and understand things about each other.

I have one really good friend here and for that I am extremely grateful. She is in my program with me and is such a fun girl. We help keep each other sane. It's so nice having someone to share this grad school experience with who really gets it. The only other person with whom I've shared intimate details about my life has turned out not to be a very good friend. For whatever reason--I have no idea what--I've been dismissed by him. It really pisses me off and hurts, but I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

I'm going to Utah for Fourth of July. I'm so excited! I miss my college friends so much and the family I have there. Even though it's hard being thousands of miles away, I am still so grateful to have amazing people in my life. Sometimes I just wonder why I moved so far away. But, I'm doing my best to form a life here in Chicago. I know that even though my friends and I don't live in the same state we can still maintain our friendships. I didn't always realize that. I'm grateful for that new knowledge.

July can't come fast enough!

two years ago today...

Two years ago today I graduated from Utah State University with my bachelor's degree in English. So crazy.

A few days ago my Auntie Jalyne sent me a recording she had me make the day I was honored as the English Department Student of the Year. I was so happy she could come and celebrate that special day with me.

I poo-pooed her when she had me make the recording for posterity's sake, but I'm so glad she did. It's a little gem that captures my true feelings about the amazing experience I had at Utah State.

Once an Aggie, Always Aggie!

My bro Ted Mosby...

The TV show How I Met Your Mother brings great joy and happiness to my life. My good friends Emilee and Josh had always told me how funny it was but I just hadn't picked it up until a few months ago.

I had recently finished watching the tenth season of Friends and had caught up with both Downton Abbey and Mad Men. I needed a new TV show. Enter HIMYM and the beauty of Netflix. I'm pretty sure I watched all six seasons in less than a month.

All of the characters hold a special place in my heart (yes, even Barney), but the character I identify with most is Ted. Yeah, the title of this post kind of gave it away. I am the female version of Ted. The quote below from the pilot episode sums up who Ted is and what he wants out of life. My feelings are mutual.

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...

Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.

Ted: Oh, I've got references...

Ted longs for the day when he will get to be a husband and father. There's nothing I want more out of life than to be a wife and mother. Ted isn't good at being single and neither am I. Unlike a lot of my peers, I want commitment. I'm not afraid of it, I just haven't found it yet. It takes a lot for me to fall but when I do I'm all in. I see the big picture just as much as the right now.

Mosby and I...we see eye to eye. We're totally bros. Even though the series is still going, we know Ted is victorious in the end. I mean the show is called How I Met Your Mother. If Ted can get his happy ending one day there's hope for me too. Love ya bro...keep the hope alive!

photo source

this friday night...

It's Friday night. 7:20 pm. Sirens are blaring outside. I ate cinnamon toast crunch for dinner. I slathered my dry, callused feet in Bath & Body Works Forever Sunshine triple moisture body cream and put on a pair of socks. I'm hoping this will be cheaper than a pedicure. The smell of the lotion is making me feel nauseous. I already had a headache to begin with.

I'm rather emotional today. Case in point: I just cried my way through the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy.

April punched a guy in a bar. Oh, and she lost her virginity sleeping with Jackson. I shouldn't be happy about that because it goes against my own morals but I am. Way to go bad me. Meredith has the stomach flu. Poor thing. Christina is conflicted and might be leaving Seattle for good. Meredith and Christina have an all night chat through the hotel door. Probably my favorite part of the entire episode. Reminds me of me and Sar. Teddy and Owen might actually be friends again. It's about time. Alex missed his oral exam. Way to go dude. He'll probably still make it somehow. Lexi is still in love with Mark. I feel for that girl. Sometimes I feel just like her. Derek is playing mommy and daddy to sick Zola. So cute.

Tonight, those characters were my people. Maybe that's sad but it's not an everyday thing so I think it's ok. Oh, and I have Harper. She's always here. I love the little baby muffin.

Songs from Carrie Underwood's new album "Blown Away" are stuck in my head. I've been listening to it for the past few days. You can listen to the album for free on iTunes until it gets officially released. I haven't seen them do that before. I think it's an awesome idea.

"Blown Away" mirrors Carrie's previous three albums. I would know---I own all of them. There's the country classic we killed that lying, cheating sob song--"Two Black Cadillacs". The power girl jam and first hit single--"Good Girl" (just like "Cowboy Casanova"). (The "Good Girl" music video is just an excuse for Carrie to prance around in seven different outfits and hairstyles soaking up her own glamor and making us all jealous.) Another song about there being "Good in Goodbye (her first album had a song called "Starts with Goodbye"). The title track references Oklahoma, Carrie's original home (remember "I Ain't in Checota Anymore"?).

I could go on but here's the thing. Even though the songs are different versions of the same themes and I'm not a big fan of Carrie as a person, I like her new album. Dang it. I'll probably end up buying it thanks to iTtunes getting the songs stuck in my head. Good marketing move my friends.

It's now 7:48 pm. I think I'm going to grab a Diet Coke, pop some Advil, and watch the last few episodes of the second season of "Samantha Who?".

Happy Friday.

P.S. My left hamstring is pulled and I haven't worked out in months. Real cool. 

photo source

Saturday Thoughts...

Today I'm thinking about some of the things I'd like to do to better myself and make life more fun and interesting. Here's what I have so far:

• Try one new recipe every other week
• Be in shape to run a 5K by July
• Read at least one book a month (preferably more)
• Obtain a full-time job or paid, summer internship
• Pay off my credit cards so I can get out of debt
• Read my scriptures three times a week (should be more but I've got to start small)
• Learn how to play the guitar and/or piano
• Learn how to play tennis
• Get better at Photoshop
• Write my friend Paul twice a month (or more)

image source

Wednesday Wisdom from Gigi...

Lately, this quote keeps playing over and over in my head. The prospect of love is all around. Yet, no matter how I try it seems to evade me. Even though putting myself out there hasn't yet brought me love I keep trying. So here's to all the mistakes, blunders, and never giving up hope!

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to finding love than you are."

~ Gigi in He's Just Not That Into You 

photo source